Last Updated on September 25, 2025 by ThePublic
Former president blames sinister forces for escalator halt, teleprompter glitch, and audio hiccup; experts note most suspects currently employed at White House.
UNITED NATIONS—What was intended to be a triumphant return to the global stage turned into what Donald J. Trump is now calling “the most dangerous assassination attempt in UN history,” after the 45th president was briefly inconvenienced Tuesday by three minor technical mishaps: a stopped escalator, a blank teleprompter, and a questionable sound feed.
“This was absolutely sabotage,” Trump fumed on Truth Social. “First the escalator, which nearly killed me and Melania. The sharp metal teeth, very dangerous, very deadly, the sharpest steps anyone has ever seen. Then, the prompter, stone cold dead, worse than Joe Biden. And finally, the sound, nobody could hear me, except the interpreters, who don’t count because they were translating Fake News.”
UN officials quickly noted that the escalator’s built-in safety feature was triggered, by a videographer from Trump’s own U.S. delegation. The teleprompter, meanwhile, was confirmed to be operated by the White House, and the audio system was functioning properly through earpieces.
“Basically, Trump is accusing himself of sabotaging himself,” one European diplomat observed. “At this rate, he’ll demand the UN arrest his own staff.”
Back in Washington, press secretary Karoline Leavitt insisted the malfunctions were part of a coordinated plot, citing a British tabloid joke that UN employees might “turn off escalators to save money.” Critics pointed out this was more satire than policy memo, but Leavitt doubled down, saying, “Jokes are very serious business when they’re about our president.”
Trump has since demanded that the UN preserve all security tapes, convene a tribunal, and “bring to justice whoever turned off the escalator.” He also claimed he is “the first president in history to survive triple sabotage and still give a perfect speech, maybe the best speech ever given, people are saying.”
World leaders, many of whom did in fact hear his remarks, largely declined comment. One French delegate was overheard muttering, “If only the escalator had stopped just one step earlier.”
Warning: This is satire. If you believe every word, you probably also believe Trump won the Nobel Prize for escalator safety.