Last Updated on September 25, 2025 by ThePublic
Texas senator, best known for fleeing to Cancun during a deadly freeze, now moonlights as America’s Hallmark card for unity.
DALLAS—Standing outside an ICE facility still riddled with bullet holes, Senator Ted Cruz solemnly urged Americans to stop using “divisive rhetoric” and reminded us that “your political opponents are not Nazis.” The announcement comes as a surprise to those who remember Cruz spending the past decade referring to Democrats as Marxist fascists, satanic groomers, and “the biggest threat to freedom since 1941.”
“The divisive rhetoric, tragically, has real consequences,” Cruz said, apparently unaware that his own Twitter feed reads like a political Mad Libs sponsored by Alex Jones. It’s the rhetorical equivalent of a chainsmoker handing out lung health pamphlets.
Critics quickly pointed out the irony. “This is the guy who went full Spring Breaker in Cancun while his state turned into Hoth,” said one baffled Texan. “Now he’s suddenly Mr. Rogers with a Constitution?”
Even the optics were peak Cruz, holding up a bullet casing scrawled with “ANTI-ICE” while standing next to a campaign banner accusing Joe Biden of running “a woke gulag.” Somewhere, hypocrisy itself reportedly filed a restraining order.
And just to veer off a bit, since when does a psychopath write ‘Ant-ICE’ on a bullet, sounds more like an FBI agent wanting extra points for good grammar! Even my first thoughts would be something like ‘F%^k ICE,’ no?
To be fair, Cruz has always been consistent, just not in the way he thinks. He demonizes when it polls well, un-demonizes when it doesn’t, and flees the country when the power goes out. It’s less “principled leadership” and more “spin cycle.”
When asked afterward if he regretted his past language, Cruz replied: “Absolutely not. My rhetoric is patriotic. Other people’s rhetoric is divisive. Totally different. Don’t overthink it.”
By press time, aides were seen wrestling a mirror away from Cruz after he became locked in a staring contest with his own hypocrisy.
As one reporter quipped: “If Ted Cruz is the voice of unity, America should probably just unplug itself and plug back in.”
Disclaimer: This is satire. If you believe Ted Cruz has suddenly become a healer of divisions, please step away from the internet and go touch literally any cactus in Texas.