Last Updated on September 25, 2025 by ThePublic
Sources confirm: nothing soothes trauma like unlimited taxpayer funding and a brand-new set of tinted SUVs.
WASHINGTON—In an emotional press conference that would’ve brought tears if anyone present had a soul, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials expressed outrage Wednesday that the American public has not yet erected a marble memorial in their honor.
“Frankly, we’re heroes,” sniffled one officer, removing his balaclava just long enough to wipe his eyes before returning to the important work of smashing windows in unmarked vans. “Do you know how hard it is to menace teenagers with tactical gear? Sometimes my mask fogs up.”
Critics, however, point out that ICE already functions like a taxpayer-subsidized private militia, with a budget second only to the U.S. military and a wardrobe that screams “discount Stormtrooper cosplay.” Yet, according to ICE, this makes them victims. “We’re out there in the streets every day, bravely intimidating families who are just trying to get groceries,” said another agent, adjusting his night-vision goggles in broad daylight. “And people are mean to us online. Where’s the justice?”
Political analysts note that this sympathy campaign comes as ICE struggles with an image problem. “Americans don’t usually weep for masked men in armored SUVs dragging people away,” said Georgetown professor Linda Halberd. “Unless, of course, those men rebrand themselves as Marvel superheroes. Which, frankly, they’re halfway to doing.”
Still, ICE insists their suffering deserves national recognition. “When a child cries at the sight of us, that hurts us too,” said one officer. “We’re just doing our jobs, violently and without oversight.” Officials hinted they might soon release a line of “Blue Tears Matter” merchandise to capitalize on the moment.
In a final plea, ICE leadership asked citizens to “please stop being so judgmental” and “think of the agents’ feelings” before daring to criticize. America, however, seemed more inclined to wonder how fast they could pull the plug on the taxpayer funded cosplay militia before it starts demanding PTSD discounts for their Guns & Ammo subscriptions.
Disclaimer: This is satire. If you believe ICE officers deserve more sympathy than the families they traumatize, please return your brain to the nearest lost-and-found.