Last Updated on September 25, 2025 by ThePublic
In a CNN interview, Kristi Noem accuses half the nation of chugging cocktails with cartels, proving once again that border security starts with checking your happy hour tab.
In a fiery CNN appearance on September 24, 2025, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem didn’t mince words about Democrats, accusing them of everything from child trafficking to full-blown terrorism. Drawing from a recent ICE facility shooting, Noem connected the violence to a broader “pattern” of attacks on law enforcement, which she blamed squarely on Democratic rhetoric.
“Well, we certainly have seen Democrats out there take extreme positions and support radical criminal organizations,” Noem warned, escalating her critique to accuse them of backing “terrorists like such as MS-13 and Tren de Aragua.”
It’s a bold claim from the woman whose party still hasn’t cracked open the Epstein files, like, come on, if you’re so tough on traffickers, why’s that vault still gathering dust?
But Noem wasn’t content with broad strokes. She got specific:
“Seeing U.S. Senators go and have margaritas with them in a foreign country to support them and their child trafficking and human trafficking exploits,” she said, apparently describing Margarita Monday as a cartel strategy session.
This appeared to reference a disputed incident involving Sen. Chris Van Hollen, but in Noem’s world, margarita glasses are cartel chalices.
She called out Gavin Newsom, Tim Walz, and “Crockett” (presumably Rep. Jasmine Crockett) for failing to denounce traffickers.
“I haven’t seen these Democrats do that, and they should… We should have all of them stand up and say enough is enough.”
By her logic, anyone not waving a MAGA flag is basically a secret operative in a vast tequila-soaked narco-state. Conveniently ignored? That her own border policies work about as well as a screen door on a submarine.
“I would love to see these Democrats denounce these criminals, these individuals that are out there trafficking drugs and trafficking our children, raping our girls and boys and selling them, and people that are out there committing criminal acts, robbing and murdering individuals. I haven’t seen these Democrats do that, and they should.”
Now pardon if I am making a connection that isn’t there, but doesn’t all of this sound extremely familiar? Aren’t we saying the same thing about an orange man in the White House and his best pal? I mean, they have the evidence, in fact, reports indicate that at least 40 minors had provided sworn statements or testimony to the FBI regarding sexual abuse by Epstein.
Acosta, the U.S. Attorney who cut Epstein’s sweetheart deal and later became Trump’s Labor Secretary, admitted under oath in 2025 he never even read all the victim statements. Forty minors testified, he shrugged.
When asked directly if Democrats are a “domestic extremist organization,” as Stephen Miller suggested, Noem hedged:
“Views are extreme and they don’t align with the American people at all.”
Translation: If you’re not wearing a red hat, you’re basically Bin Laden with a Costco card.
A possible DHS insider quote: “We’re not saying all Democrats are in MS-13, but have you seen their Spotify playlists? Suspiciously heavy on reggaeton.”
Of course, this isn’t just partisan sniping. Noem’s rhetoric fits into a dangerous playbook: disagreement equals treason. Today it’s margaritas with cartels; tomorrow it’s bake sales with Hezbollah.
What comes to most Democrats as a retort: “I support traffickers? Please, I can’t even traffic my kids to soccer practice on time.”
And the kicker? While Noem shrieks about Democrats clinking glasses with traffickers, her party is still sitting on the Epstein files like they’re nuclear codes. Open the vault, or admit the only “domestic extremist organization” is the GOP donor list.
Disclaimer:
This is parody. No Democrats were seen sipping tequila with MS-13. If you believe bake sales are cartel fronts, seek immediate medical attention and maybe delete Facebook.